confession #000014

... or the return of the macaroni and cheese 

oh yes, i’m back to blogging.  has it been, what four months already? possibly more since i last stepped into this little space i’m allowing myself for confessions.  it’s been quite a busy four months, i can tell you that: i’ve been to krakow as i had mentioned in earlier posts, visited paris, had the busiest and most intense work months, celebrated christmas and all that ... and ate my way through these months like there's no tomorrow ... 

in fact, i'm restarting this blog a couple of kilos heavier than when i started it originally.  i fake wondered what went wrong last time i weighed myself a few days ago and found i hit the 53.6 kilo mark.  i was fake surprised when i tried on one of my most coveted and expensive pair of jeans and found that it just wouldn't close ... and if it would, i would have to forfeit breathing for the day and run around with a glorious muffin top of shame.  

i knew exactly what i had done to get to this point:  i had been eating my feelings.  first it was heartache and missing my beloved abroad which made me seek chocolate, cheese toasts, pizzas, creamy pastas and so on ... then in an act of celebratory abandonment, it was over to more of the same, with the addition of ice-cream and delicious polish food to define my happiness.  unfortunately, the consequences are that i am now feeling constantly lethargic and hating the sight of myself in the mirror.   

spending a lot of time abroad now, i must admit i'm indulging in yet another passion of mine - shopping.  i've always wish we could have shops like h&m, intimissimi, bijou brigitte and six back home, not to mention larger (and more widely stocked) zara, pull&bear, mango etc etc ... and now i have them all just a 15 minute tram ride away.  i can't deny that i've shopped like my life depended on it in these last weeks.  but there has always been a downside to that.  

a number of times i've had to return items for a larger size - or something completely different, not wanting to admit the weight gain.  (i've kind of giving up of trying clothes in store since that would mean shedding tonnes of layers worn to keep me warm in the freezing temperatures outside.) most purchases consisted of long-line oversized sweaters or loose dresses.   i was finding comfort in the fact they are so fashionable and so practical at hiding all the lumps and bumps gained over the last months.  

but that is it.  it was a fake comfort.  i'm not one who likes body-con dresses, pencil skirts, cropped tops and any flesh-baring clothing but i've practically denied myself the option of even going down that road should i want to.  

so here it is.  as shallow as one might think a blog on weight loss and a grown-up girl's struggles with her image is, this blog is back.  i won't blame you if you don't follow, i won't hate you if you think this is puerile or frivolous.  but if you choose to follow, i thank you as of now, for your support.